And now, there begins a trend; before almost every following stage, there's an entirely superfluous 'intro' segment which shows Jupiter walking into various buildings, or down various streets, and so on. They all last about 2 seconds, and by the time you realise, they're gone. Weird.



It's fitting that, since we're playing as a Japanese schoolgirl, we get to actually visit a Japanese school. Unfortunately for Jupiter, the only classes available today are those in pain, torture and general rabble-rousing. Those rogues! Unfortunately for you, Japanese schools tend to consist of corridors that go on forever and never stop. It's nearly as bad as an episode of Scooby Doo in here, and what makes it worse is that, once more, we're fighting the same handful of enemies in increasingly stupid colours. Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Oh, please, someone kill me now!



Even Sailor Jupiter is getting tired of this shit.


Alright, no-one messes with my turf and gets out with functioning eyes. It's time to throw the horns!




And on it goes, never-ending. I'd comment more, but at this point, all I can muster is a depressed sigh. I call this the Middle Stage Blues; the same thing happened with the Insector X article, when by the time I got to Stages 3 & 4, I couldn't be bothered to write anymore. This has happened here. I'm very sorry.

...Have any of you ever read Judge Dredd? The first major saga, 'The Cursed Earth' sees Dredd make a long journey to Mega-City Two, where a cannibalistic plague has stricken the citizens. By the end of his arduous mission, he's left on his own, his leg mangled, his clothes tattered, experiencing hallucinations, and he's reduced to crawling, dragging his hide all across the scorching desert that is the Cursed Earth, to complete his mission, collapsing just within the city limits.

This part of Sailor Moon is akin to that. By this point, the monotony has set in, and I'm struggling through, trying to fumble my way blindly to the end of this stage, knowing I could be doing something far more useful, like learning to knit or playing The Return of Ishtar, only barely conscious. It's strange, but the game has a very serious 'dip' in it; Round 1 is fun, Rounds 2 and 3 are incredibly similar, and Round 4 is just insanely dull, but Round 5 perks up, and Rounds 7 and 8 are at least vaguely clever. When the Middle Stage Blues hit, though, it's painful.

We can make it through this, guys. We just gotta be like Dredd. We gotta believe.



But wait, what about up the stairs? Surely there must be something more interesting up there!



Ha ha ha, you wish. Indeed, Jupiter's never-ending quest for peace and justice truly is never-ending. I wouldn't mind so much if the background would at least change. It's just like the ship stage in Streets of Rage II. You fight your way through the first part, and then you get to the second part, and it's exactly the same, background and all. Fortunately, by the third section, you're on the ship's top deck, so the background is much more interesting. It's the only stage in the entire game that I actually dislike, as every other level is pitch-perfect. Sigh. Perhaps this game will follow in its example, and make the background a little more interesting on the next floor.



I wasn't kidding when I said the backgrounds loop here, by the way. Jupiter feels like she's going in circles.



That painting looks awfully familiar, did we pass it already?


!

Did I hear footsteps?!


Looks like she forgot this was a sneaking mission, and her cover's totally blown. Silly girl.


Hey, shut up. So what if I don't 'get' subtlety? Bite me.


Still in a lovely mood as always.



Er, yes, terrible and irrelevant Metal Gear references aside, these hags sneak up on you rather unexpectedly, but they're the only thing you'll really be seeing in this depressingly barren and near-infinitely scrolling corridor. On the plus side, I don't believe we've seen this particular palette swap for them. There's your silver lining. Anyway, at the end of the corridor, there's a door. No doubt it's going to lead to another identical section, which will probably lead me to slam my head against my desk in desp-



HUZZAH!



I'm not even going to question why the door randomly explodes, I'm just so happy because the background's actually different this time. Oh, frabjous day! Callooh, callay! Let's hop to it! Er, ahem. This is an underground section, and it appears to have been taken over by the Alien Queen, and she's made it her hive. Naturally, you'll still be fighting the same few enemies, but the background is different and exciting! And, of course, there are Japanese schoolchildren trapped in giant glass cylinders. It's a staple feature of school basements, didn't you know? If you're feeling generous, you can smash them open to free them for fun and profit (in the form of items). I didn't realise you could do this until I'd scrolled them off screen, naturally...



Jupiter only frees one of them, then promptly kicks them in the face. Never mind what she did to the other two... It's for your own good.



And so up the stairs, we find... Ugh. More corridors. They're only marginally different from the last ones, and they're still filled with the same ol' buddies you've been wailing on since Round 1. I could stop here, but you know what they say, the night is always darkest just before the dawn. We're so close to getting out of this insanely monotonous section, and into the good stuff. Just stay with me, readers.



Jupiter is not going to be fooled by the exploding door again. Not this time.



Of course, this door doesn't actually explode, which is a shame. On the plus side, we have a new background filled with computers, and while we fight, once more, the same people we've been picking on for the entire game, I can assure you that the agonisingly slow segment of the game has finally passed. We're out of the single worst part of Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon. No longer will I sigh in despair and pray for a swift death, now the show can continue as ever! We're over the hump, readers! Justice prevails!



And now, Freddy Krueger's younger sister steps up to the plate.


Hey, don't interrupt my lunch. I've been waitin' all day for this.



P-p-please save me, Sailor Jupiter!



Let the kid go before I rip that silly arm of yours clean off and beat you to death with the soggy end.



Whoa, you talk the talk, but do you walk the w- er, is that blood on your shirt?



Hmf, you're right. Must've got that from the last person who tried to be smart with me.



P-p-please, someone save me from Sailor Jupiter! She's one hardcore lady!





If... If I stay perfectly still, maybe Jupiter won't see me...



Don't wuss out on me here, I've been fighting palette swaps for hours now, I could do with a nice, meaty, messy fight.



You're far too into this, lady.




Fortunately, this one happens to be the easiest boss fight so far. No ridiculously overpowered team-up attacks! No flying around! And no corner-comboing! All Garoben has (aside from yet another name hastily suppled by the Stupid Names department, evidently) is some pretty mean range with that axe-hand of hers (which keeps switching sides, of course, much like Sagat's eyepatch) and a grab, where she'll get your character in the same position she had her innocent victim in, and then- rather than slit their throat, which would seem to be the logical thing- she'll toss you aside like a ragdoll, which of course results in a lot of damage. Wonderful.



If there's anything my mother taught me, it's that when you see a huge ugly thing, throw a big rock at it.



But what's this? Suddenly, Garoben is assaulted by a spray of deadly roses! He can't be trying his luck again, can he?




May I have this dance, ladies? Oh, it's you again, dear. Did you miss me, my sweet?


Uh-oh.


One more word from that unwashed mouth of yours, and I won't think twice about smashing it in.



I love it when you talk so, my darling, it makes you sound so continental, so...





OK, that does it, get ready for a violent makeover.



Yikes! I thought this rose had thorns before, but they're much too sharp for my beautiful face! Zorro, away!




Since she doesn't utilise any annoying tricks like the other bosses, Garoben doesn't take nearly as long to defeat, and the only real thing you have to worry about is her throw, and her longer-than-average reach. In fact, she is the easiest boss in the entire game. You might take comfort in this fact, until you realise that this can only mean the remaining bosses are just as annoying and long-winded as the previous ones. Sorry to put a damper on things like that. Anyway, once she's dead...




Thank you, Jupiter, but.. You're going to let me go, aren't you?! D-d-d-don't kill me!



You know what they say. Punish the guilty, keep the innocent nervous.


Do you want to know the best part?

We've only just gotten over halfway through, and I can't stop now!

Because, dear reader, whether you care about it or not, I really want you to die!

New Backgrounds! New Enemies! New Thrills! Same Jupiter!