Yay, another pointless intro. Apparently, darkness has descended upon the city. I do wonder what it means.



Oh no... Oh, sweet mercy, no...

This entire stage is nothing but a forest. Aside from the boss encounter, you're going to be fighting loads of trolls, lots of the same enemies you've been fighting for the entire game, and... This is too much, Gazelle, you assholes. I had hope at the end of the last stage, y'know. I had hope that the game wouldn't be quite as long-winded. The problem isn't the fact that you're fighting hordes of palette swaps, no, it's the fact that the stage never ends. This is what scene transitions are for, Gazelle. Let's take the example of Streets of Rage II- beating up enemies on the streets tends to get a little boring, so on the first stage, you enter a bar for a bit, then you enter the back alley, and it keeps things interesting, you know? Gah! Why must this game dick me around like this?!


Honestly... All you ever do is complain. If you love Streets of Rage II so much, why don't you marry it?


OK, that's quite enough from you. You're only gonna speak when a boss shows up, got it? Do not try that shit again.


Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, huh? Talk is cheap, and all you ever do is talk.


This is your final warning. Push me again, and you'll regret it, lady.


That's rich coming from a keyboard monkey like you. Don't make me laugh. You're not gonna do a thing, you gutless little punk!


Don't say you weren't warned.
A new foe has appeared.



[Yeah, remember I said there were going to be no more wacky shenanigans? I lied.
- Ed]




HI! Heya, Joopitur! It's MEEE! Sailor Moon! How ya doin'? This place is creepy! Let's fight t'gether, OK? Best friends FOREVER!



... No! Anyone but her! You... You're an asshole of the worst kind!


Cry me a river, princess. You made your bed, now lie in it!




Yaaaay, let's go over here! There's lotsa things just up ahead, maybe they wanna meet us and be friends!



Get back here, you idiot! You've gotta lure them one at a... Agh, it's useless! Like talking to a brick wall!



Ooh, don't be so sillee, Joopitur!





Alright! Y'know, these secret powers are all so new t'me, better test 'em out!



Hey! Leave some for me, dammit!





OK them, Joopitur, you handle these guys!



Ugh, that's not what I meant...





... Oh yeah! I never run from a real fight, do I? YAAAAY, MORE SAILOR SCOUT SUPER POWERS!



Just... Just sit still for a minute or something, it's so hard to keep up with...





WHEEEE-HAAAAA! This is FUN, Joopitur! Isn't my dancing silly? YAAAAY!



... And you're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you...





Ugh... Need a health boost... Let me have that food it-



Hey, cherry pie! The bad guys left it behind, huh? I'm gonna have it aaaall to m'self! Ooh, yummy!



... Bitch, you just crossed the line!





Hey, Joopitur! Not so ruff, 'kay?



There's no mercy for those who break the sacred law of scrolling brawlers! Especially since your health bar was full!


That law, of course, is if a player makes a call for a health item, don't pinch it. We've all been there at some point.

While these two are bickering, I might as well make a few notes about the two-player mode. Yeah, this isn't just a cheap gag (and a very meta-fictional one at that) but I figured it was a good way to get some two-player action in here. As in every scrolling brawler ever made, you can attack each other when you're supposed to be cooperating. However, Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon is actually quite forgiving in this regard; although certain attacks can be used to knock your friend down, there are limitations. You can't do combos on one another, you can't grab and throw another player, and when one player is at critical health (i.e. they can no longer do their crowd-control attack) the other player can't finish them off.


I can't? Dammit, I'll have to get creative, then. Yo, blondie, go say hi to those little people over there.



Ooh, OK! Heya, little guys! Whoa, those are awfully long nails y'got there!




The trolls have made pretty short work of ol' Moonie there. Jupiter, you heartless dick!


Whatever. She's out of my hair now, so...




Ho ho ho!


HEYA, JOOPITUR! I'm baaaaack! I only got one life left now, so be careful with me, OK?!



God-dammit...





Oh noooooo! Bye-bye, Joopitur, I'll see you... Some other time! Waaaaaah!



Yeah yeah, I get it, ashes to dust and all that, now get the hell outta here! Phew, what a relief.


I hope you learned your lesson, missy.


Fine. Whatever. Just don't do that again.




When Jupiter finally reaches the gate, she decides a little horn-related persuasion on all the guards is necessary.

I wonder who the boss is going to be this time? Someone interesting I hope.



... You have got to be kidding me.


Prepare for trouble!



Make it double!



To protect the world from devestation!



To unite all people within our na-



One more word from either of you, and you'll be blasting off again so fast... Ah, why wait? Let's get messy.




Wow. This is laziness on an unprecedented level. Now, OK, we've had palette swap bosses before, but they generally become normal enemies, rather than being bosses in their own right. I hate to bring up Streets of Rage II again, but on Stage 6, you do see two palette swaps acting as bosses, but they're actually two different bosses fighting you at the same time, and one of them has a drastically shortened lifebar, so, you know, I let them get away with that. Only barely, though. This, though, is just bad. They're not even getting any additional pictures, man.

Oh, and Jupiter decides the best approach is to throw a big rock at them. Don't blame her.




I've never been happier to see the end of a round. Let's... Let's pretend this never happened.


AND NOW... THE CHEETAHMAN!