Her lust for blood takes her to Round 2, which is more of the same. Well, it's more of the same to you or me, perhaps, but Jupiter isn't like us normal people. She only feels alive when pummelling the living snot out of something. Er, anyway, this seems to be the shopping district of Whatevertown, Japan, and the tree in the foreground is so annoying. Every single shot I've got of this opening bit is obscured by this bloody thing! Dammit, tree, I'm trying to weave an intricate story here, and you're just getting in the way. Gah. I can assure you, however, that there's lots of cool stuff happening. It's just that you can't see it.



Jupiter decides upon a little strategic retreat this time.



... Only to be greeted by a new challenger, the Ninja. Kunoichi, actually. While we're mostly going to be completely inaccurate about anything related to Sailor Moon, we're going to make sure stuff from the Real World is represented accurately and fairly. Besides, we have precedent, we used it in the caption already. Kunoichi it is, then. Alongside Duke Nukem Jr.'s exploding tennis balls, the Kunoichi is one of the few enemy types with a projectile attack, although it's very, very well signposted- she'll stand still while showing a shuriken to the camera, then throw it. Doesn't stop it from being annoying.



Indeed, Jupiter decides the kunoichi ninja oh who cares person has tested her patience far enough, and proceeds to Hulk the fuck out!



Not even Hulking Out can oppress every beat-em-up's deadliest foe, the Running Fat Guy!.

C'mon, you know the score here. Every single beat-em-up ever has a Running Fat Guy. In Final Fight, it was G. Oriber. In Streets of Rage, it was Big Ben (and they can breathe fire too!). Gazelle decided to make a two-in-one here, however, as the little imp/troll people double up as the Running Fat Guys, but only when they feel like it, such as this moment in Round 2. Jupiter is unimpressed by this display of aggression, however, and as she can't Hulk Out again, simply goes for the jump kick alternative.

However, nothing can prepare her for the next enemy to show up. It could well be the most messed-up enemy in any scrolling brawler- and please note, this is the same genre that gave us transvestite red-heads, robotic duplicates of your player character, and the Evil Alien Worm from Growl. Are you ready? Jupiter seems to think she is.



Marionettes. Eerie, zombie-esque marionettes. That throw their heads at you. Then proceed to wander around. Headless.

what.

what.

But Jupiter is a Judge Pretty Soldier- and Pretty Soldiers are not ordinary women!

This isn't just me, is it? It's perfectly normal and well-adjusted to be creeped out by these lurching, wooden monstrosities, isn't it?! I mean, sometimes I worry about whether I've been completely desensitised to weird shit thanks to all the violent movies and video games I've watched and played, you know. I watched the introductory parts of Saw III while making a sausage sandwich and wasn't even remotely ill. Hell, I actually got through the Alone in the Dark movie without wanting to jump out of the nearest convenient window (although in fairness, I was on the ground floor) so, you know...


This review isn't about you, peon. Get on with it before I rearrange your vital organs.


Whoa. Puuuushy.



Unfortunately for Jupiter, things just keep getting worse. Further on down the street, the enemies grow ever more numerous, although fortunately, this stage is drawing to a close. I'm not sure if I could've handled another, stranger enemy showing up (although, after the puppet, where do we go from there? Singing toilets? Cross-dressing nuns? I'm trying to think of a weirder enemy, but I'm all out). As well as more marionettes, the ninja comes back, and what's worse...



... She's brought a friend along.

It's TENNIS RACKET TIME again!



And here we have Duke Nukem Jr.'s other attack, where she'll grab your poor Sailor and whack them with the racket until they get bored of it. It does a fair bit of damage, so if you get caught and she decides she likes beating the life out of you with her racket, you'll end up quite dead. It's not terribly fair, as you can't do the same thing to them...


Well, that's tough. Coin up and continue, wimp!


Excuse me, missy. I'm the writer here, not you. Cut that shit out.



Yawn. More goons show up out of nowhere, including palette swaps of enemies we only met two minutes ago. This game has a pretty amazing introduction-to-pathetic-palette-swap turnout, which would've been forgiven if there was at least one head swap amongst them. We're outta luck there, unfortunately. One thing I will say, though, is that the backgrounds haven't repeated as often as they do in other beat-em-ups. OK, some bits do get reused, like the blue canopies, but aside from that, every building has been new, rather than re-used. Perhaps too much thought was put into the background, leading to less enemies or something... But these are just my idle thoughts. I wonder what's going to happen ne-



?!?



Whoa quick scene change. Outside a pretty nondescript area, the screen fades and Jupiter goes inside the jewellery store which, might I add, seems to be absolutely huge. Anyway, Jupiter smells fresh blood, and she's right, as Round 2's boss, Morga, is about to tuck in to this poor little mite. Mmm, virgin blood, yummy!


Hey. Put her down.



Hmm? Why should I? She's the one who tried to steal from my shop!



*Gak* I only wanted to use the bathroom!



Roughing people up is my job, asshole. Now hand her over before I rip out your ribcage and use it as a hat!




... Well, this is an interesting turn of events.


We disag- oh, shit! It's you! Why couldn't one of the other ones gone after me?! I'm dead!



Ah, as I thought. I'll deal with the shoplifter after I've rearranged your face a little.



I wouldn't even mind being beaten up by Sailor Moon, it'd be something I'd laugh about later... But nope, this is it! I'm gonna die!



Listen, this is all nice, but I really need the loo now, so...



I said I'd deal with you later. It's time for you to go to hell, she-devil.




Morga is a really annoying boss. Her claw swipes have a lot of range, and if she traps you in the corner, she can combo them pretty quickly, so even if you manage to break out of it with a crowd-control attack, you'll be left in pretty rough shape. The fact that more enemies pour in (including those bloody trolls) compounds this matter, and the fight drags on for much, much longer than it should do. Her movement tends to be a bit erratic as well, so pinning her down is less down to timing and all about luck. It seems that Jupiter is doomed. But then...



Eh? The she-devil is down? What the deuce could be behind this, and what's Jupiter staring at?



Holy mother fucker, it's Zorro! The Curse of Capistrano himself!


Ah, greetings, my dears. Please do you best not to scream; sometimes I have that effect on the ladies, but try to restrain yourselves.


Alright! Playable Zorro! Is his special attack making the Mark of Zorro on Morga's face? This is aweso-




Be gone, fool. I'm handling this by myself rather well. Don't need a man to mess things up.



My my, this rose has a particularly sharp thorn! Ouch! Zorro has left the building!




OK, it's probably not really Zorro, or even an anime interpretation of him, but a man can dream, can't he? Whoever he is, Mr. Zorro's cameo isn't just for fits and giggles, as when he vacates the scene, he'll leave behind a rose for you. Aside from being a sign of affection from one fellow crime-fighter to another, eating the rose will give you full health. No, really, that rose is pretty damn tasty. It's a delicacy, so they tell me. Invigorated by her delicious rose, Sailor Jupiter is finally able to give Morga a well-deserved thrashing. Believe me when I say this fight takes a very, very long time. You could probably write a successful novel before this one's over.




Another easy victory. As for you, shoplifter...



Please don't hurt me, I didn't do nothin'!



Don't worry, I won't give you the same treatment I did to her.



That's a relief. Any idea if there's a toilet here? I've been very patient, but I...



No, I'm going to do much worse. Let's see how much you like this place when I lock the door behind me. Enjoy your stay, criminal.



Wh-what?! You can't do that to meeeeee!



Can and will. No-one can escape justice!


To the sewers! Because, you know, every game has a sewer level.