OK, right.

I can do this.

Oh, balls.


Shit! C'mon, really?

[I hear exasperated swearing. Are you...
- Ed]

You're going to have to speak up, Ed, I can't hear you.

[Oh, alright.]


[I hear exasperated swearing. Are you playing The Tower of Druaga again? Maybe Haunted Castle? Or, heaven forfend, Touhou?]

Worse. But just give me a minute, I can do this.

Agggh, cocks!

[... Back to the Future Part III? Eh? Isn't this sort of thing overdone?]

Nah, this is different. One of those games that's taunted me since childhood.

[If you're going to tell the story, can I get the abridged version, at least?]

I'll try and keep it brief, just for you.

[I'm amazed you know what the word 'brief' even means, you wordy bas-]

Agh! Can you shut up for a second? Look what you made me do. I totally had it that time.

[No you bloody didn't. Pause and tell me the story.]

Alright, alright. Basically I rented this back when you could actually rent video games from shops.

And I've never seen past the first level. I've always wanted to see if it even has a second level.

[That was worth the wait. Give us a go, then.]

No, dude, I got this. It's just a case of...

Ah, shit!

['You've got this' my arse. There's no way this is as hard as you're making it out to be. Give me the controller.]

No. One more try.


This is not easy. It doesn't help that everything's so dark...

[Why is that, exactly?]

A very strange palette bug, explained here.

[Riveting. Anyway, don't make me perform my deadly My Turn Uppercut technique- gimme the controller.]

Oh, alright. Good luck! You'll ne-

[Nah. Don't need luck. I go by raw skill... So, uh, what are the controls? What's the aim?]

Figure it out.

[Oh, thanks! Throw me in the deep end, why don't you? Fine, couple of failed attempts and I'll have this.]

[So... You've got a Shoot button, a Jump button, Down to duck, and some kind of grab action. Seems reasonable.]

[.. Ah, here we go. You can only get hit four times before you lose. And it's very easy to get hit.]

Not so confident now, are you?

[I'm just getting the hang of it.]

Yeah. Sure. Getting the hang of it. You got it, buddy.

[Shut up.]

On the plus side, at least they give you infinite lives... 'Cause you're gonna need 'em.

[Oh, come on! How is anyone supposed to do this?!]

See what I mean now?

[I'm not letting you win this, you little turd. I'm gonna...]

[Oh, fuck this for a game of soldiers! You can take over. I'm having a smoke.]

Take that outside, man! Don't even think about lighting up in here!

[Too late. Already thought about it. But it'd be funnier if I had a comically oversized cigar to do it with.]

[OK, you go and play your horsey game, back in a mo.]

Don't let the door hit you on the way ou- oh, he's gone already.

I have to admit... I'm a little happy he didn't beat this level.

I wish I could, you know, beat it myself.


You know what? Nuts to this game, and the horse it rode in on. Not in the mood anymore.

[Alright, alright, hand me that pad. I got this one!]

... Uh, OK... Wait, you're pausi- are you cheating?!

[Damn right I'm cheating! Had to look it up, didn't I? Pause, hold A, then press Up, Down, Left, Right, and...]

[There we go. Second stage. Game still sucks.]

... No! I was supposed to see the second stage only after hard work and trying my best!

[To hell with that. I wanna see the end so we can stop playing this ridiculous game. Skippin' to the next level...]

[There we go. Game still sucks.]

Dude! Spoilers!

[Doesn't count for a game this old. In fact, I bet some people in the audience are glad to see this.]

[Just one more...]

[Aaaaand done. Good riddance.]

We won without honour. I can't believe you sometimes...

... Although now I have to ask- what did you even come here for?

[... Oh, yeah. I came up with a list of games to cover for this year's April Fools' Day article. I want to do something serious this year, and...]

I got a better idea. We'll just post this instead.

[You wot? Oh, come on! I got a great list of games to work with here! The Pit, Steel Worker, Port Man...]

Nah, overruled. This is much more entertaining. Ain't I a stinker?

[Massive shit, more like. ]

Anyway, now that's done with... Get outta my office!

[I'm not counting this as a victory, you know.]

Oh, that silly editor of mine. Oh well, see you next April Fools' Day!